Anger, headaches, knot in my throat, the whole spectrum of crappy physical responses?

It sounds like you have had an awful life. I am a Mother and a Grandmother I have also worked for a Doctor for 20 years. I have a feeling that you have anxiety and depression and for a good reason. Depression makes you numb and you don't feel like doing anything. If you could see a Doctor you could get some medication to help this. It would also help if you had someone that you could talk to like a counselor or a minister of a church. God is a wonderful father he would never leave you or forsake you. We just don't always get the answers that we want to hear from him. Some times he says no and we don't understand why until later down the road it will all become clearer.